Happy Realisation II

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After completing yet another careful research, it gives me immense pleasure to publish the invaluable result:

“There are more desperate people on the surface of the earth than the number of oxygen molecules.”

Obviously, it does become difficult to breath at times.

Mumbai Chindi-ans

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Most rich people do not have brains. They do not have any kind of creativity in them. Yet, I will not get discouraged and will continue my philanthropic activities so that they get some kind of education.

For example, a rich guy has named a cricket team that he procured as ‘Mumbai Indians’. Now, what was going through his feeble mind when he came up with such a foolish name? Anyway, that’s not for us to find out. Since the aim of this blog is to help people overcome their foolery, we’ll suggest some better names for this poor cricket team.

First thing that invariably comes to one’s mind when one thinks about Mumbai is its vada-pavs. Mumbai vada-pavs is a decent name, though it lacks innovation and looks a bit derogatory. If I were to have a team named Mumbai vada-pavs, I would name the captain as chutney. Mumbai Dabheli is another pathetic name, so is Mumbai cutting. However, considering its popularity, Mumbai Bhelpuri is a good name as well, but it suggests a disorganised mix of players who are in a complete mess.

So far we have concentrated only on vegetarian foodstuffs. Since Mumbai is a coastal area, we owe some respect to the fisher folk. Bombay duck is a nice name, though the team would be a laughingstock of the entire cricketing world when a batsman scores a nought. Bombili is another fish available locally, though it’s a very unpleasant name for a cricket team. Mumbai Mutton will be devoured by the opponents. Remember, we shouldn’t encourage too many ‘food items’; you never know, some vendors may start selling ‘mengo jyoos’ and other ‘coldreenks’ on the ‘peetch’ itself.

Another typical Bambaiyya feature is the presence of too many insects at all times and places. So a name like Mumbai Macchars seems apt, but at the same time belittles the talent of the players. Mumbai kidaas suggests a rogue kind of an attitude, but it has the same drawback as ‘Mumbai Macchars’. How about Bombay bed bugs? It’s an innovative name and comes with a power-packed slogan: “khoon choos lenge!”, or maybe “raat ko bachke kidhar jaaoge?!”

With everyone in high spirits, Bombay Batliwala is also a suitable name. So is Bombay Bevada, though the latter suggests a more vulnerable team.

Mumbhai is also a good name if you want to celebrate the typical goondagiri of this city. Mum-bai is also good enough if you love your kaamwaali bai a lot. If you are too obsessed with Mumbai lingo, Mumbai malai marke might sound music to your ears (believe me, its very stale). For those of you who are obsessed with local trains, Mumbai local might sound reasonable; to me it sounds like the name of a public call office. If a player is run-out, crowd is sure to roar, “Maaf kijiye, Ye local deri se chal rahi hai!” Some people might want to call it Chhatrapati Shivaji Mumbai Team; I don’t want to comment on this name for obvious reasons. Bombay ball bearers is an innovative name, but it does sound fiendish.

Coming to some medical terms, a friend of mine suggested Malignant Mumbaikars. It sounded very nerdy. I came up with Mersilk Mumbaikar, it would have a very catchy slogan, “sabke hole suture kar denge!”

Mumbaikar…kar…kar would also be a good name, with the slogan, “Arre mum-bai kar kar kar… arre bai kar na!” Mumbectomy sounded too nerdy and purposeless, I mean, it’s not a tonsil, it’s a cricket team! Mumbaiocoele is very derogatory, and no cricketer with self-respect would want to play under this banner. Mumbaiputation is like a double-edged sword; if the team does well, it can shout, “amputate kar diya!” Similar phrase can be used by the opponents if instead they happen to win. Mumbairrhagia signifies malice, but the team might just bleed a little too much in case they lose. How about Bombay ball bladder?

Heck. I think the way Mumbai Indians have performed so far, Bombay Black-n-blue might just be the right name.

Homo Sapiens

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I don’t believe in any research unless I validate it. There are various research articles on ‘types of personalities’, but I have concluded that all of them are ludicrous. Therefore, as a part of a philanthropic endeavour, I have decided to educate my pea-brained readers through my blog.

So dear pea-brained readers, I have come up with a broad classification that is complete and flawless. In case you still find some flaws or you think that you know better than me, please seek psychiatric help. In all probability, you are suffering from a personality disorder.

1. Scirrhous carcinoma
These are people with rigid ideas and they are as hard as a fibrotic mass. They do not care a damn about others and do as they please. In general, such people are quick at making decisions and do not pay too much attention to ‘crap’. They are sharp, astute, shrewd and mercurial. They don’t waste time in silly issues that plague life. At times these people may be difficult to handle because of their ego.

This is a standard conversation with a scirrhous carcinoma when you ask him/her out for a movie:

“Hey duuuuude! I have seen you after such a long time! I’m sooooo glad I met you here itself. I searched the entire earth but didn’t find you (this is followed by a forceful ‘hahahaha…’)! How are you?”

“Fine.”

Silence. That was a curt reply.

The ‘plaintiff’ tries to hide his/her embarrassment and continues further, “Coming for a movie at 3, Dadar?” He looks at the carcinoma expectantly.

“No,” snaps the carcinoma.

“Why?”

“I don’t want to watch a movie with a moron.”

Full stop.

2. Missed Abortion
These are people who are never present whenever an important decision concerning various aspects of life is to be taken. They never participate in any kind of extracurricular activities, debates, arguments, competitions, etc. They think that they are above everyone else and are not born to do such ‘menial’ jobs. Such people are permanently somnolent.

It’s useless describing a conversation with them, since such an occurrence is very rare.

3. Fluctuating Hydrocoele
I thoroughly enjoy mocking such people who keep fluctuating like a hydrocoele* as they are always undecided and uncertain about their future. They keep contemplating about everything in their life, right from ‘whether they should defecate now or after 10 minutes’ to ‘whether they should buyout Microsoft.’ They seek advice from ten thousand people before treating their toe fungus. They look around twenty-five times before farting (Please laugh. I waited for ten years to use this joke).

Here is a typical conversation with such a character:

“Hey duuuuude! How are you?”

“I was fine sometime back, now I think I’m nauseated.”

“Oh… Coming for a movie at 3, Dadar?” he looks at the hydrocoele expectantly.

“Of course, sure! Just give me a call before you leave. Hey waaait… I forgot I have nausea. So I think I’ll rest at home. By the way, which movie is it? Is it the one with Katrina Kaif? Then I think I’ll come… but it has Shahrukh too! What a waste! But then if the tickets cost only Rs. 60, then it’s worth it…”

The ‘plaintiff’ escapes for good, while the hydrocoele continues to hem and haw.

4. Mouse in breast
These people are exactly like a fibroadenoma#. They make special public appearances as and when they desire. Basically, they make such appearances for their own interest. When such mice see a lucrative opportunity, they rush to grab it. Otherwise, all the time, they remain dormant in their ‘holes’ (pun not intended). They are very shrewd and crafty. These mice can manipulate things well. But when others want their help, they immediately vanish into thin air.

“Hey duuuuude! How are you?”

“Hey I’m doing great. How are you?”

“Coming for a movie at 3, Dadar?” He looks at the mouse expectantly.

Now the mouse comes up with innovative excuses because he/she has some more lucrative plans at the same time.

“Er… Actually, I would have loved to come. But, I have a problem. I have to attend a conference on ‘Effect of Big-Bang on Martian life.’

* - In medical terms, it means collection of fluid in the scrotum.

# - Fibroadenoma is a benign tumour of the breast which tends to disappear on touch.