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Monday, May 26, 2008

I solemnly pity…


I solemnly pledge to publicly pity certain unfortunate earthlings. Next time when I see them, I’ll make it a point to laugh at their face. Let me enumerate ten of them who undoubtedly top the list:

1. I pity all those people whose knees have been crushed by others, who sit in front of them – and recline the chair completely in an aircraft.

2. I pity all those buttons – on shirts of obese men/women – because they have to sustain extremely high pressures throughout the day.

3. I pity those people, who have broken their buttocks after falling from a staircase.

4. I pity those, who, because of their sheer bad luck, develop vacuum in their stomach after a loud burp.

5. I pity all lavatories; especially the ones whose users have developed diarrhoea.

6. I pity those people whose ribs have been smashed by elbows of other passengers in crowded trains.

7. I pity those people, who have worn extremely tight undergarments for some spooky reason.

8. I pity those people, who unknowingly sit on dried chewing gum/mucus.

9. I pity all MCPs (male chauvinist pigs) and FCSs (female chauvinist swine).

10. I pity those nerds who are very desperate to jot down notes in a lecture; as if they are the most deprived creatures on earth.

Have a nice day.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Unfortunate Events – Part I


Recently, a few incidents reminded me of some forgettable days in school. It is very unfortunate, because it’s almost after six years that those memories have come back again to haunt me. No doubt, there were better days in school; but somehow they are overshadowed by these malevolent occurrences.

Our batch in school was really lucky, because our seniors did not get the opportunity of learning computers in the fifth standard. They could only do it in the eighth standard, which for us, meant three extra years of computer education. Our syllabus included Dos and Microsoft Paint, which was not considered obsolete then, as it is today.

My school was a government-aided Christian missionary convent school. Obviously, we didn’t have plenty of computers. We had to share one computer between the three of us. This teacher was supposedly very strict and mean. We were comparatively timid school-going kids, unlike the hippies of today. She scolded us often for trivial issues and all of us were terrified of her.

After about six months of learning Dos, we were very eager to switch to Ms Paint. We were bored of that same old black screen full of senseless jargon. The day finally arrived. We rushed to the computer lab, the ‘hag’ followed close behind. We settled quickly in our places and waited for the session to begin. But she stuck to her old dirty ways. The crone shouted at us for not wishing her ‘good morning’. She dampened our enthusiasm; she threw a poor kid out of the class for a filthy reason.

Those of us who use computers at least know some basic physics. We don’t require a genius to tell us how difficult it is for three people to work on a single PC. In those days, flat screens didn’t exist. Obviously, we had two options – either stretch out our necks to get a better view, or simply just adjust the computer screen to suit all three of us best. I did the latter, only to face the unexpected consequences.

The old hag saw me touching the screen panel. Her blood boiled and she started abusing me on top of her voice, “You stupid boy! How dare you touch the computer? Does it belong to your father?” she added a few more sentences, but I didn’t have the guts to hear them. I was dead scared.

I almost cried. Probably, I was too young to understand the real meaning of such a crude remark which she said so easily. As a fifth standard school kid, I was a coward, but I knew I was being shouted at for an extremely foolish reason. Thinking thus, I replied, “I…I couldn’t see…”

She marched towards me with a revengeful look. I froze in my seat. I heard my partners sighing. They knew the consequences too, but I had already put my foot in the quicksand. I looked straight at her, feeling helpless. I couldn’t possibly take back what I had just said. She yelled again, “You can’t see, eh? Who will pay for this computer if you spoil it? Your father is a doctor isn’t he? Can’t he take care of you and your eyes?”

I had taken enough by now. She had exceeded the limit. So what if she is my teacher? She had no right to talk about my father in such a derogatory manner. If students are supposed to respect their teachers, teachers too are supposed to reciprocate with love and respect. If a teacher genuinely wants to teach and make his/her students a better person, the student will automatically respect that person. In the heat of the moment, I felt that I’m justified not to respect her. Immediately, I made a decision. I had to give her shit back to her. I yelled back at her, much to the surprise of my batch-mates, “Ma’am, you have no right to talk about my father like that. I have done nothing wrong. If you think I should be able to see the computer from this position, come, sit here, and show me how.” I got up and offered her my seat.

She fumed with anger and my friends tried to support me by certain obvious encouraging gestures. Probably they too wanted to get back at her at some point in their lives. Few rogues snickered at my fate. That old hag was extremely angry. She literally dragged me to the principal’s office and abused me all the way. The principal was no better. He reprimanded me, scolded me and wrote a remark in my ‘calendar’. He threatened to throw me out of the school and told me how that would bring shame to my family. Finally, he forced me to apologise two-three times and let me go. I was made to sit out of that class, but I had anyway lost all interest in that subject.

Eleven years down the line, I’m still angry, not at her or him, but angry at myself. I shouldn’t have let them take advantage of my cowardice. I should have given them what they deserve. Retrospectively, I think whatever came to my mind in the heat of the moment then is absolutely correct.

However, I do get some mental relief when I realise that they belong to such a category of unlucky teachers who will never get even a speck of respect from their students (sic). I don’t know how many (more) eager students they will traumatise in their goddamned career.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

A Beginning…

In order to infuse some life into this lifeless blog, I have come up with a new comic strip. Below is a short description of all the characters that will feature in it. Remember, these are just the lead characters; some new characters might appear at some point in time. Their description will be added accordingly. This comic strip will probably help to enliven the blog; plus, if I’m lucky enough, some newspaper might employ me as its part-time cartoonist. In order to maintain the uniformity of the blog, one comic strip will feature after every two blog posts.

Now, let us meet the characters of Incompetent Os:

1. Pott: (Mr. Pott Belly)
Pott Belly is a poor farmer residing in a small village called Voracity. He tries to make both ends meet by selling ostrich eggs, a rare delicacy. Potty (as he is affectionately called) is constantly troubled by brash and unreasonable people around. He prefers to spend most of his time with Os and encourages it to lay as many eggs as possible.

2. Os: (Incompetent Osus)
Os is Pott’s lovable but moronic ostrich. This harebrained bird fails to lay eggs properly and even if it succeeds in doing so, the egg invariably gets smashed because of its boorish alacrity. It attends numerous seminars on “Laying eggs – Distant dream or a certain possibility?” and takes advice from its sisters time and again. Os sits on its eggs in a very awkward manner.

3. Pus: (Pussy catus)
Pus is an extremely lethargic cat that does nothing throughout the day. It can hardly articulate and says nothing except an occasional “Purr.”

4. In-mate: (No-better-namus)
In-mate is a mute, gawky bird that is occasionally seen flying in the comic strip panel. It ricochets in the panel resulting in serious injuries to the other characters due to its sharp beak.

Now, the first comic strip is just two blog posts away!