Goner-speak

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The new time-table is out; prelims begin in October. It’s almost mid-June and I haven’t even covered half of surgery, medicine book is brand new; paediatrics is still in infancy and I don’t know a thing in gynaecology.

Meanwhile, as final year is taking its toll, these are some of the documented manifestations/ real-life stories as told by some Gsites themselves. People, medicine is toxic!

Mild Symptoms:

· You think your dog has developed grade IV breathlessness when he pants.

· A passer-by slaps you after you tell him, “Uncle, do you have a hydrocoele or is your pant too tight?

· You apply lacto calamine lotion on your damaged wall.

· You keep condoms next to your bed hoping that the population of bed-bugs will decrease.

· After a hot bath, you exclaim – “Wow! I have been autoclaved!”

· In the morning, you get up and say, “I am conscious, cooperative and well oriented in time, place and person.”

· You think a person with hernia looks ‘cool’.

· Now you know why it is called culex ‘fati’-gans.

· While travelling in the train, you assess nutrition of all your co-passengers.

Major Symptoms: (this one’s dangerous, if you have any of these, here’s wishing you luck!)

· If you are a female, you suddenly get up from your library chair and shout, “Yippee! I just got an LH surge!”

· You ask your milkman whether his cow has developed galactorrhoea and prescribe bromocriptine tablets.

· You stop going to the toilet because it does not conform to the standards laid down by our PSM department.

· You try publishing a paper in New England Journal of Medicine about the usefulness of a pot-hole as an abortifacient.

· You take your pregnant cockroach for an antenatal (ANC) visit.

· You stop standing because you think that you will develop varicose veins, and you stop sitting because that may lead to piles.

· You keep telling people around, “I would like to do a PR (per rectal examination).”

· You feel as if you are a papillary growth/finger-like projection on the surface of the earth and try avulsing yourself.

· Instead of gardening, your latest hobby is culturing bacteria and fungi; you spend time giving them tips on how to infect your competitors.

A tribute

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Err… Ahem. I would like to dedicate this blog post to its readers; especially those of you, who really love this blog but are hesitant/ashamed to admit the same. Of course, currently there is no medical therapy available that can cure either hesitancy or shame. Never mind, you can try doing the following things in order to express your unfathomed love for my blog:

(First step that is common to all the methods given below is opening this webpage, obviously.)

· Ensure that no one is around. Take out the earth wire from your PC (to make sure that there is a current leak), and gently kiss the monitor/ screen. Recommended: Do not wear rubber slippers.

· Call a Pundit, get some flowers, garlands, etc and marry your computer. You may/may not consummate your marriage. It’s up to you. Anyway, congratulations.

· Dismantle the screen from the rest of the computer; put it in a gold frame and hang it in your bedroom. Admire it every morning when you get up.

· If you are desperate for some stimulation, try inserting your finger, etc into your PC’s USB slot, memory card slot and other such areas. Do not look for any changes on the screen. There won’t be any. Let me know your experiences later.

· Embrace your computer and stay in that position for at least half an hour so that your abdominal wall is incinerated by the heat. You may/may not wear rubber slippers this time. Do not try this with your buttocks though.

· Sit on the mouse (use an appropriate sized mouse) and admire this webpage. I don’t know why. Just try. It might work.

· Take your PC out on a coffee date. Pour some coffee on the processor and shout: ‘coffee inside’ instead of ‘Intel inside’. You can try pushing in some chocolates as well; some studies consider it to be an aphrodisiac.

· Dress up as a cheerleader. Refresh this page. As soon as the webpage gets completely loaded, start cheering at the top of your lungs. Never mind if that undergarment is sooty.

· Put on very loud music on your PC. Your fat, menopausal, hag like next-door-neighbour should come and whack you hard. I don’t know how this method will help you express your adoration. Some people are known to be masochists.

Psst: If you are still unsatisfied (shit!), simply scribble a comment.

Ha! Now I know what all you have gone through before commenting!

(Due to certain technical difficulties, this blog post has appeared before the cartoon strip. Apologies!)