Homo Sapiens

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I don’t believe in any research unless I validate it. There are various research articles on ‘types of personalities’, but I have concluded that all of them are ludicrous. Therefore, as a part of a philanthropic endeavour, I have decided to educate my pea-brained readers through my blog.

So dear pea-brained readers, I have come up with a broad classification that is complete and flawless. In case you still find some flaws or you think that you know better than me, please seek psychiatric help. In all probability, you are suffering from a personality disorder.

1. Scirrhous carcinoma
These are people with rigid ideas and they are as hard as a fibrotic mass. They do not care a damn about others and do as they please. In general, such people are quick at making decisions and do not pay too much attention to ‘crap’. They are sharp, astute, shrewd and mercurial. They don’t waste time in silly issues that plague life. At times these people may be difficult to handle because of their ego.

This is a standard conversation with a scirrhous carcinoma when you ask him/her out for a movie:

“Hey duuuuude! I have seen you after such a long time! I’m sooooo glad I met you here itself. I searched the entire earth but didn’t find you (this is followed by a forceful ‘hahahaha…’)! How are you?”

“Fine.”

Silence. That was a curt reply.

The ‘plaintiff’ tries to hide his/her embarrassment and continues further, “Coming for a movie at 3, Dadar?” He looks at the carcinoma expectantly.

“No,” snaps the carcinoma.

“Why?”

“I don’t want to watch a movie with a moron.”

Full stop.

2. Missed Abortion
These are people who are never present whenever an important decision concerning various aspects of life is to be taken. They never participate in any kind of extracurricular activities, debates, arguments, competitions, etc. They think that they are above everyone else and are not born to do such ‘menial’ jobs. Such people are permanently somnolent.

It’s useless describing a conversation with them, since such an occurrence is very rare.

3. Fluctuating Hydrocoele
I thoroughly enjoy mocking such people who keep fluctuating like a hydrocoele* as they are always undecided and uncertain about their future. They keep contemplating about everything in their life, right from ‘whether they should defecate now or after 10 minutes’ to ‘whether they should buyout Microsoft.’ They seek advice from ten thousand people before treating their toe fungus. They look around twenty-five times before farting (Please laugh. I waited for ten years to use this joke).

Here is a typical conversation with such a character:

“Hey duuuuude! How are you?”

“I was fine sometime back, now I think I’m nauseated.”

“Oh… Coming for a movie at 3, Dadar?” he looks at the hydrocoele expectantly.

“Of course, sure! Just give me a call before you leave. Hey waaait… I forgot I have nausea. So I think I’ll rest at home. By the way, which movie is it? Is it the one with Katrina Kaif? Then I think I’ll come… but it has Shahrukh too! What a waste! But then if the tickets cost only Rs. 60, then it’s worth it…”

The ‘plaintiff’ escapes for good, while the hydrocoele continues to hem and haw.

4. Mouse in breast
These people are exactly like a fibroadenoma#. They make special public appearances as and when they desire. Basically, they make such appearances for their own interest. When such mice see a lucrative opportunity, they rush to grab it. Otherwise, all the time, they remain dormant in their ‘holes’ (pun not intended). They are very shrewd and crafty. These mice can manipulate things well. But when others want their help, they immediately vanish into thin air.

“Hey duuuuude! How are you?”

“Hey I’m doing great. How are you?”

“Coming for a movie at 3, Dadar?” He looks at the mouse expectantly.

Now the mouse comes up with innovative excuses because he/she has some more lucrative plans at the same time.

“Er… Actually, I would have loved to come. But, I have a problem. I have to attend a conference on ‘Effect of Big-Bang on Martian life.’

* - In medical terms, it means collection of fluid in the scrotum.

# - Fibroadenoma is a benign tumour of the breast which tends to disappear on touch.