Mumbai Chindi-ans

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Most rich people do not have brains. They do not have any kind of creativity in them. Yet, I will not get discouraged and will continue my philanthropic activities so that they get some kind of education.

For example, a rich guy has named a cricket team that he procured as ‘Mumbai Indians’. Now, what was going through his feeble mind when he came up with such a foolish name? Anyway, that’s not for us to find out. Since the aim of this blog is to help people overcome their foolery, we’ll suggest some better names for this poor cricket team.

First thing that invariably comes to one’s mind when one thinks about Mumbai is its vada-pavs. Mumbai vada-pavs is a decent name, though it lacks innovation and looks a bit derogatory. If I were to have a team named Mumbai vada-pavs, I would name the captain as chutney. Mumbai Dabheli is another pathetic name, so is Mumbai cutting. However, considering its popularity, Mumbai Bhelpuri is a good name as well, but it suggests a disorganised mix of players who are in a complete mess.

So far we have concentrated only on vegetarian foodstuffs. Since Mumbai is a coastal area, we owe some respect to the fisher folk. Bombay duck is a nice name, though the team would be a laughingstock of the entire cricketing world when a batsman scores a nought. Bombili is another fish available locally, though it’s a very unpleasant name for a cricket team. Mumbai Mutton will be devoured by the opponents. Remember, we shouldn’t encourage too many ‘food items’; you never know, some vendors may start selling ‘mengo jyoos’ and other ‘coldreenks’ on the ‘peetch’ itself.

Another typical Bambaiyya feature is the presence of too many insects at all times and places. So a name like Mumbai Macchars seems apt, but at the same time belittles the talent of the players. Mumbai kidaas suggests a rogue kind of an attitude, but it has the same drawback as ‘Mumbai Macchars’. How about Bombay bed bugs? It’s an innovative name and comes with a power-packed slogan: “khoon choos lenge!”, or maybe “raat ko bachke kidhar jaaoge?!”

With everyone in high spirits, Bombay Batliwala is also a suitable name. So is Bombay Bevada, though the latter suggests a more vulnerable team.

Mumbhai is also a good name if you want to celebrate the typical goondagiri of this city. Mum-bai is also good enough if you love your kaamwaali bai a lot. If you are too obsessed with Mumbai lingo, Mumbai malai marke might sound music to your ears (believe me, its very stale). For those of you who are obsessed with local trains, Mumbai local might sound reasonable; to me it sounds like the name of a public call office. If a player is run-out, crowd is sure to roar, “Maaf kijiye, Ye local deri se chal rahi hai!” Some people might want to call it Chhatrapati Shivaji Mumbai Team; I don’t want to comment on this name for obvious reasons. Bombay ball bearers is an innovative name, but it does sound fiendish.

Coming to some medical terms, a friend of mine suggested Malignant Mumbaikars. It sounded very nerdy. I came up with Mersilk Mumbaikar, it would have a very catchy slogan, “sabke hole suture kar denge!”

Mumbaikar…kar…kar would also be a good name, with the slogan, “Arre mum-bai kar kar kar… arre bai kar na!” Mumbectomy sounded too nerdy and purposeless, I mean, it’s not a tonsil, it’s a cricket team! Mumbaiocoele is very derogatory, and no cricketer with self-respect would want to play under this banner. Mumbaiputation is like a double-edged sword; if the team does well, it can shout, “amputate kar diya!” Similar phrase can be used by the opponents if instead they happen to win. Mumbairrhagia signifies malice, but the team might just bleed a little too much in case they lose. How about Bombay ball bladder?

Heck. I think the way Mumbai Indians have performed so far, Bombay Black-n-blue might just be the right name.