‘Despo-theque’

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I bet you have had enough of updates on various health problems and epidemics (if not then refer to K. Park, textbook of Preventive and Social Medicine). Now hear this one – there’s an outbreak of a new disease that’s called ‘desperation’. With massive number of people already affected, the incidence of this disease is constantly on the rise. Fortunately, it’s not as fatal as the aforesaid; nonetheless it’s very ‘invigorating’.

Although the bug responsible for the disease has not been discovered yet, there is a lot of information about the disease per se (courtesy: me). Maybe it’s a part of generalised thickening process that occurs in people who are thick-skinned and/or thick-skulled.

Let’s see the various types of desperation (again, courtesy: me):
Sensory: Here the ‘despo’ is the one who has an abnormal attitude that is limited to him/her and does not affect anyone else in general. It further subdivided into:

• Wannabe: a person who wants to be or be like someone else or to attain some status or condition (basically - a fathead)

• Show-off: The more benign variety; one who brags, a swagger, to make a spectacle of oneself, etc (a spout)
  

Motor: The desperation of the person affects other people around him as well. It can be either:

• Despot: anyone in charge who acts like a tyrant, tries to force something upon someone, etc

• Wannabe despo: Such a person has a serious personality disorder; is a combination of wannabe and despot type
  

There are some more kinds of desperate people who do not strictly fit into any one of these categories. If you are that desperate, you can go ahead classifying them.

It’s not very difficult to study this disease and it just took me one day to be able to systematise it into various subtypes. A desperate person can be easily identified by anyone; some observational skills are all that is required. Such a person appears very flustered, a bit agitated and a tad impulsive. He seems to be in extreme pain and misery – like a person with a full rectum but has no place to go and shit. He seems to be very interested in other peoples’ matters – as if he represents the next generation swanky peeping tom.

As I reached a railway station, I met many people desperate to get in the train; I also met some others who were desperately trying to get out of the train as it reached Bandra. What was really fascinating about my journey was the determination of some people to read the newspaper in such a crowded train.

Even I decided to join in (remember – if you can’t beat them, join them) and thus began reading a newspaper. I read about some politicians, who were desperately trying to win some random elections (including some army men from other countries); some businessmen who were trying hard to survive in a rat race – their name should figure in the ‘Worlds Richest’ list (some Indians who hate being called one – still we idolise them); some people are so desperate that they end up with rapes and murders (now this list is countless); some people are busy passing irrelevant laws completely ignoring the more important issues that plague our country (read: Desper-adoss and Despe-rjuns – if you are aware of the latest reservation and medical education issues).

There are students who can go to any extent to get as many marks as possible in an exam; there are others who desperately try to show as if they are not bothered about their results. While there are people who are desperate to look stylish and ‘sexy’ (just walk down the street – you’ll come across hundreds of wannabe babes and hunks), there are others who desperately tag along such people (I bet you have read recent make-ups and break-ups of Bollywood actors). There are people who desperately try losing weight (need I mention who?), whereas some starve to death out of sheer desperation (they have no money to buy food!). There are despos busy comparing non-specific stuff, writing reviews about random things and competing with others (imagine: people actually had the time to participate in polls comparing OSO and Saawariya). How can you miss out on people who have gone into depression just because Harshit has not been selected as the ‘Voice of India (some undiluted bullshit)?’

Where are we heading? I don’t know the fate/complications of this disease called ‘desperation’ – actually I’m not even interested. I don’t understand the logic of taxing ones brain too much.

The best solution – chill yaar! What difference does it make if Sachin Tendulkar was out on a 99? At such a level when it doesn’t even matter to him, why are we so bothered? Maybe we need a little break and concentrate on smaller things in life. Like your pet dog – he needs vaccination. Or your hyacinth – you haven’t watered it for days because you were busy finding out why a British Official has come to India and how were his experience in some local train. Or just check out on your mom; find out whether she’s taking her medicines regularly or not.

Of course! How can I forget! We cannot wrap up without mentioning those people who desperately write such articles in order to suggest impossible measures to improve the current scenario; then there are others who keep themselves busy commenting on the same.